The best of Issue 2

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WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ISSUE ONE:

Angela Brookes:

"I think it's brill. Emma is reading it now, with tears in her eyes. She is keen to make a John Adey tag box.

Lincoln is reading it now. I am not sure what he will make of it!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emma Westwood:

"There's only one word for it - superb. Should definitely be published for the whole of benefits. Better than that Ben Bitz effort!

I especially liked the Mick Hucknall interview, letters page and John adey's how to make a tag box slot. I shall be attempting that one myself.

Good luck with the follow up issues. (Hope there will be some.)"

Colin Clark:

"I'll have a copy."

Simon Millman:

"I'll have 10 more copies."

Mary Street:

"Bloody rubbish. I hope you did this in your own time!"

Wendy Taylor:

Congrats on your excellent publication."

Tony Bull:

Dear editor,

I recently inadvertently purchased a copy of your magazine SHIG!!. I particularly was looking forward to making the tag box contained therein. I dutifully followed your instructions and cut out the template. You can imagine my huge disappointment when on construction the said tag box was totally unsuitable for tag storage. You have an obligation under retail law to only advertise goods of merchantable quality.

The rest of your publication was most enjoyable, but who is that twat who does the music reviews?"

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ARTHUR FOWLER IS GUILTY - CLAIM

It was claimed today that Arthur Fowler , recently released from prison after being jailed for the theft of the Flowering Wilderness Fund money in Walford, was in fact guilty after all. This astonishing claim comes from Mr Dan Daftbugga of the Prison Complaints Committee.
Mr Daftbugga claims that Willy Roper confessed to the crime out of love for Arthur's wife Pauline. He apparently couldn't stand to see her unhappy, and having lost his mother, had nothing left to live for himself, so he took the blame for the "devious criminally minded" Fowler.
"And on top of that" says Mr Daftbugga, "Arthur's allotment needed a lot of work doing on it, and Willy thought that the release of Fowler was the only way to stop it becoming an eyesore".
Since Mr Daftbugga's claim, Arthur Fowler dramatically passed away. "There you are" said Mr Daftbugga, "We now only have Willy Roper's word to go on. Arthur has taken his guilty secret to the grave."
A spokesperson said today, "It's only a bloody soap opera, not real life you stupid bugger!"

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Sorry about the non appearence of this month's celebrity interview.
Keith Chegwin said two words, the second one being "Off", so I assumed he wouldn't be giving an interview. Oh well, at least I'll try to get a real celebrity next month!

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CLARKIE'S MUSIC PAGE

Colin Clark reviews some recent single releases.

Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches

"Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man in a factory downtown"? What kind of lyrics am them? Why cor they have sensible words these days, like "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. You ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." Now there's a good lyric.

George Michael - Fast Love

Is there any other kind?

Lightning Seed - Three Lions

This is the England song for Euro 96. Not bad in a laddish sort of way. Oh God, It's got Frank Skinner on it. F***ing Baggies fan. Get it off.

More from Colin next month

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A man walks into a pub with a frog on his head.

"How long have you had that?" asked the barman, to which the frog replied " Well, it started off as a boil on my arse."

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TOP TEN QUOTES

This Month : Paul Davies

(Believe it or not, I assure you that all of the following quotes are geniune.

1. To the question "Is your name spelt with an E?" Paul replied: "No, it's P-A-U-L."

2. To the question "Paul, have you got any cycling shorts?" he replied: "I can't ride a bike."

3. To Sandra Dunn: "Do you remember the dinosaurs?"

4. In reply to Pat Lewis saying " On my 21st birthday I got sweet F.A." Paul said: "Did you

used to play football?"

5. On having his computer password revoked: "I've been provoked by the computer."

6. In reply to to the qustion "Name 6 sports which use a net but have no ball" he said: "Darts"

7. Joining in a conversation about periods: "I had one last week."

8. In the Dog and Partridge when asked if he wanted his coke from a bottle or the pump: "I

want it in a glass."

9. When asked "Is the heater plugged in?" he replied: "No, it's plugged out."

10.When asked "Did you watch the eclipse last night?" he responded with: "Was it on Sky

Movies?"

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DEAR JOCKY

SHIG!!'s resident agony uncle, darts superstar Jocky Wilson answers your problems.

Dear Jocky,

I have a tendency to stare at people. This has led me to get biffed a few times. What can I do?

Melvin Manic,

Dewsbury

Dear Melvin,

Well, this is a tricky one. I'd have a few beers, then if anyone biffs you for staring, you'll either give 'em a good biffin' cos you've the beer in you, or at least you won't feel a thing.

Dear Jocky,

You're just a fat Scottish b*****d who can only throw darts and swill beer.

Anon

Dear Anon

Get it right - Fat Scottish RICH b*****d. Can you get paid £1000 per night for chuckin' darts?

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YES FOLKS - BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND:

IT'S

D.I.Y. WITH JOHN ADEY

I can tell from the correspondence received how popular my D.I.Y. tag boxes proved to be.

Did anyone spot that they need to be enlarged using a photocopier with this facility before your tags will fit? well done if you did.

Anyway, with the new teams on Central Benefits, I thought I'd give you a few tips on personalising them to suit your team.

Here's what you can do:

If you work on the Red Team it would be a nice idea to paint it red.

If you work on the Yellow Team, why not paint it yellow?

What about painting your tag box blue if you are on the Blue Team?

Last, but by no means least, a green tag box would go very nicely with the Green Team.

HAVE FUN!

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LIVELY LETTERS

Dear SHIG!!

Who says cats have nine lives? I killed mine first time with my semi-automatic rifle.

Mark Lees

Lye

Dear SHIG!!

Going through customs on my way back from holiday in Spain, I was recently subjected to the most horrific ordeal. During the flight I had suffered considerable discomfort in my bottom due to the fact that there was still sand in my pants.

So when the customs man at Gatwick asked me how I was, I understandably replied "Fine, apart from the crack in my bottom."

Imagine my surprise when he gave me a brutal internal examination.

J. Chalmers

London

Dear SHIG!!

Do you remember when sausages tasted like real sausages?

And tomatoes.

Billy Bugger

Oldbury

Dear SHIG!!

Why not get your own back on these tight arsed Building Societies. Simply stop paying your mortgage and spend the money on beer or whatever you fancy. Then when they come round to repossess your house, simply kill yourself.

Mark Lees

Lye

Dear SHIG!!

I recently went to the doctors with a particularly large and unsightly hairy lump on my penis. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was my body.

S. Millman

Codsall

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SHIG!! SPORTS

Special SHIG!! Euro 96 Preview

As you'll all know, unless you've been on another planet for the past few months, England stages it's biggest sporting event since the 1966 World Cup Finals this month.

SHIG!! will be there to bring you all of the best action from all of the pubs showing the games!

Here are a few predictions of the winners:

Tony McHale : England (Ever the optimist)

Colin Clark :Scotland (?-Ed)

Steve North : England

Dilly Summan : Holland

Paul Davis : Jamaica, oh er, who's in it innit?? Oh, is England innit? Well, Italy then.

Adrian Feeney : Italy

Simon Millman : England

By issue 3 of SHIG!! we'll be able to see who, if anyone, is correct in their predictions.

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