The Best Of Issue 5

The best of Issue 4

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The best of Issue 3

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SHIG!! ISSUE 3 - JULY 1996

Welcome to issue 3 of SHIG!!, Housing Benefit's alternative magazine. In our small but perfectly formed pages you'll find no references to circulars, manuals, claim refs, triggers (apart from Simon), benefit regs, or any of that boring stuff found in other benefit mags. (Oh, I've just realised I was reading a systems update, not Ben Bitz. Oh well, we all make mistakes.)Due to England not winning Euro'96, I've had to find other subjects to fill this month's issue with. Those of you who still want more on Euro '96 turn to SHIG!! Sports on the back page.

Judging by the feedback I've had from issues 1 and 2, it appears that SHIG!! is proving to be a success. Thank you for all your kind words, and I hope you enjoy issue 3 just as much.

Tony McHale

Editor

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CLARKIE'S MUSIC PAGE

Colin Clark reviews the latest releases

Singles:

Fugees - Killing Me Softly

No, just killing me. Why do they have to stick dance beats on these old songs? It used to be slow and boring, now it's mid-tempo and boring. Bad enough to be number one.

Ocean Colour Scene - The Day We Caught The Train

Tony likes this so it mut be crap.

Brendan Bogshite - Irish Folky Jig Jig

Single of the week. Great record. I wish all music was like this. (Except Elvis).

Alison Limerick - Where Love Lives '96 remixes

Rubbish. Why do they make dance records? I dow dance.

Albums:

Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go

Tony says this is the best album of 1996 so far. That says it all. He's never had any taste.

Crowded House - the Best Of

God nows what the worst of is like then! They sound like The Beatles and I hated them as well.

Terrorvision - Regular Urban Survivors

Rock garbage. Why can't we get a deal with a record shop to supply, instead of having to listen to CD's from Tony's dodgy collection?

More from Clarkie next month

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TOP TEN QUOTES

This Month : Simon Millman

1. "If you walk through the gates at White Ladies backwards you get repossessed."

2. "He's got the brain of a 14 month year old."

3. "Is half a dozen six?"

4. "I want to speak to the organ master, not the grinder."

5. "Like the bitter, I'm not mild."

6. "Is the pope Jewish?"

7. On Clarkie's sexuality: "Colin's coming out of the cupboard."

8. To John Adey: "John, are you still here?"

9. Looking for a file for ** Amos Lane, "Have you got **A Moss Lane?"

10.On Dilly's car: " What make was it, an Escort Cavalier?"

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HUCK'S HANDY HINTS

With Simply Red's Mick Hucknall

Mick says:

"I'm a very busy person, touring and recording with the band, so that you can hear my super slick perfect pop/soul for the masses, so I need all the time saving devices possible.

Here's a few of my hints for an easier lifestyle."

"Fumes from a burning sofa can be lethal, so before sitting down always look around and plan your escape route in case of fire."

"Make polystyrene life belts for your plant pots and float them in the bath when you go on holiday."

"Turn your green house into a garden shed by boarding up the glass windows with wooden planks."

"Save electricity - Turn all your lights out and walk around the house at night using a miner's hat."

"Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers by will think you have broken down and help."

"Old unwanted telephone directories make ideal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you don't know."

MORE FROM MICK SOON!

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DEAR JOCKY

Our resident agony darts player answers your problems.

Dear Jocky

I've never had a problem attracting women, but as soon as I go out with them they seem to lose interest, just because I try to stick my tongue in their mouth as soon as we meet on the date.

Where am I going wrong?

S.M.

Wolverhampton

Dear S.M.

You need to be more relaxed, and not try to move things so quickly. Have a few pints before you meet her, then you won't care if the girl blows you out or not. Alternatively, spike her drinks so she'll probably use tongues first.

Dear Jocky,

What would you describe as the best stance for throwing darts?

E.B.

Stoke

Dear E.B.

Facing the board.

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EXCUSIVE SHIG!! T-SHIRT OFFER

To obtain your SHIG!! T-shirt, take a plain T-shirt, and using a permanent marker pen write the word SHIG!! across it.

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THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN BILL

Well no sooner was the football season over than we've got the European Championships, Test Cricket, Bloody Tennis, and next it's the Olympics.

Tennis, bloody tennis I ask you. Women who moan about sport all year long spend two weeks glued to the bloody telly watching tennis. What's up with them? Don't they think tennis is a sport or something?

All winter it's "can you turn the football off 'cos Coronation Street is starting." and now all of a sudden Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays they're watching tennis until quarter to eight and saying "ooh I forgot about the Street I was so engrossed in this match."

Well at least Agassi went out in the first round. I thought that'll stop her watching it. So what happens? Tim bloody Henman, that's what. Whenever a British player does well, they get excited. He could look like Quasimodo and they'd still love him. Next year it will be "What was that British blokes name who did well last year?"

Bloody Tennis!

Regards

Bill

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CELEBRITY INTERVIEW

THIS MONTH - JOHN CRAVEN

SHIG!! - Thanks for talking to us, John.

John Craven - It's a pleasure

S - How long have you been in television now?

JC - Ooh, it must be about 30 years or more now.

S - That's amazing, you still look exactly the same as when you did Newsround

when I was a kid.What do you put that down to?

JC - I don't know. I suppose I've just been lucky. I've looked after myself. No alcohol,

I don't smoke. Working in television is hard work and stressful, so you have to

keep fit.

S - And do you still wear those tank tops?

JC - I thought you'd bring that up. I don't wear those tank tops nowadays. You must remember that they were quite fashionable in the 70's.

S - But I remember you wearing them on Newsround in the 80's.

JC - Oh do you? I can't remember wearing them then. Oh well, maybe I wore them once or

twice in the 80's.

S - Have you anything in the pipeline at the moment?

JC - I've a new children's TV series coming up on the BBC in the autumn based around major

news stories that may be of interest to children.

S - A bit like Newsround then?

JC - No, not really. I'll be looking more deeply into the news, interviewing the people making the

news.

S - Sort of like a kiddie's Newsnight then?

JC - Yes, I suppose so, but it will have it's own individuality.

S - And will you be wearing any of your old tank tops in the series?

JC - Oh p*** off will you.

At this point John terminated the interview and left.

Next month's celebrity interview, pending the relevant insurance being taken out, will be:

*VINNY JONES*

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LIVELY LETTERS

Dear SHIG!!

There's nothing more annoying than copycat neighbours. I recently painted my front door blue. Imagine my anger when a neighbour six doors down did the same. He also has red curtains, almost the same as ours. So my wife and I decided to teach him a lesson. Last night we painted over all our windows using black industrial weather resistant paint. Just wait till our copycat neighbour does the same. He'll soon discover that the paint is almost impossible to remove.

Sydney Sadsod

Walsall

Dear SHIG!!

Whilst watching an hilarious situation comedy on TV, my wife with tears of laughter in her eyes mistakenly poured out two glasses of Paraquat instead of the wine. Luckily we both saw the fungicide.

Barry Barnpop

Bilston

Dear SHIG!!

I am 93 and can still remember when butter was tuppence a pound. And it tasted like proper butter as well.

Billy Bugger

Oldbury

Dear SHIG!!

Last week my wife went shopping with a list written on the back of a bus ticket. She returned later, struggling somewhat, carrying a number 559 bus. She had read the wrong side of the ticket.

Archie Armpit

Willenhall

Dear SHIG!!

On Saturday nights it seems I just can't drink enough beer, because every Sunday morning I'm still thirsty.

Colin Clark

The Scotlands

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SHIG!! SPORTS

EURO '96 REPORT

Well them bloody Germans did it again. I should really give them credit but I'm not going to! Instead, Euro '96 will be remembered for Gazza's goal against Scotland, England's performance against Holland, Seaman's penalty save against Spain, the fact that we outplayed Germany in the Semi Final, and of course Skinner, Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds.

Our SHIG!! Europanel in issue 2 all got it wrong anyway, with no-one tipping Germany. Myself, Northie and Trigger did best, tipping England. Dilly got to the quarter finals with Holland, but as for Paul and Adrian (Italy) and Clarkie (Scotland) well, the less said the better.

All in all then an enjoyable and successful tounament, which for once left the nation proud to be English.

Well done lads. Although you didn't win it you were the best team in it. Here's to the World Cup. (First qualifying game 1st September in Moldova.)

Footnote:

At the time of writing we're just entering the second week of Wimbledon and a British player (Tim Henman) is still in it. What's going on?

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The best of Issue 2

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WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ISSUE ONE:

Angela Brookes:

"I think it's brill. Emma is reading it now, with tears in her eyes. She is keen to make a John Adey tag box.

Lincoln is reading it now. I am not sure what he will make of it!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emma Westwood:

"There's only one word for it - superb. Should definitely be published for the whole of benefits. Better than that Ben Bitz effort!

I especially liked the Mick Hucknall interview, letters page and John adey's how to make a tag box slot. I shall be attempting that one myself.

Good luck with the follow up issues. (Hope there will be some.)"

Colin Clark:

"I'll have a copy."

Simon Millman:

"I'll have 10 more copies."

Mary Street:

"Bloody rubbish. I hope you did this in your own time!"

Wendy Taylor:

Congrats on your excellent publication."

Tony Bull:

Dear editor,

I recently inadvertently purchased a copy of your magazine SHIG!!. I particularly was looking forward to making the tag box contained therein. I dutifully followed your instructions and cut out the template. You can imagine my huge disappointment when on construction the said tag box was totally unsuitable for tag storage. You have an obligation under retail law to only advertise goods of merchantable quality.

The rest of your publication was most enjoyable, but who is that twat who does the music reviews?"

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ARTHUR FOWLER IS GUILTY - CLAIM

It was claimed today that Arthur Fowler , recently released from prison after being jailed for the theft of the Flowering Wilderness Fund money in Walford, was in fact guilty after all. This astonishing claim comes from Mr Dan Daftbugga of the Prison Complaints Committee.
Mr Daftbugga claims that Willy Roper confessed to the crime out of love for Arthur's wife Pauline. He apparently couldn't stand to see her unhappy, and having lost his mother, had nothing left to live for himself, so he took the blame for the "devious criminally minded" Fowler.
"And on top of that" says Mr Daftbugga, "Arthur's allotment needed a lot of work doing on it, and Willy thought that the release of Fowler was the only way to stop it becoming an eyesore".
Since Mr Daftbugga's claim, Arthur Fowler dramatically passed away. "There you are" said Mr Daftbugga, "We now only have Willy Roper's word to go on. Arthur has taken his guilty secret to the grave."
A spokesperson said today, "It's only a bloody soap opera, not real life you stupid bugger!"

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Sorry about the non appearence of this month's celebrity interview.
Keith Chegwin said two words, the second one being "Off", so I assumed he wouldn't be giving an interview. Oh well, at least I'll try to get a real celebrity next month!

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CLARKIE'S MUSIC PAGE

Colin Clark reviews some recent single releases.

Presidents Of The United States Of America - Peaches

"Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man in a factory downtown"? What kind of lyrics am them? Why cor they have sensible words these days, like "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time. You ain't never caught a rabbit and you ain't no friend of mine." Now there's a good lyric.

George Michael - Fast Love

Is there any other kind?

Lightning Seed - Three Lions

This is the England song for Euro 96. Not bad in a laddish sort of way. Oh God, It's got Frank Skinner on it. F***ing Baggies fan. Get it off.

More from Colin next month

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A man walks into a pub with a frog on his head.

"How long have you had that?" asked the barman, to which the frog replied " Well, it started off as a boil on my arse."

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TOP TEN QUOTES

This Month : Paul Davies

(Believe it or not, I assure you that all of the following quotes are geniune.

1. To the question "Is your name spelt with an E?" Paul replied: "No, it's P-A-U-L."

2. To the question "Paul, have you got any cycling shorts?" he replied: "I can't ride a bike."

3. To Sandra Dunn: "Do you remember the dinosaurs?"

4. In reply to Pat Lewis saying " On my 21st birthday I got sweet F.A." Paul said: "Did you

used to play football?"

5. On having his computer password revoked: "I've been provoked by the computer."

6. In reply to to the qustion "Name 6 sports which use a net but have no ball" he said: "Darts"

7. Joining in a conversation about periods: "I had one last week."

8. In the Dog and Partridge when asked if he wanted his coke from a bottle or the pump: "I

want it in a glass."

9. When asked "Is the heater plugged in?" he replied: "No, it's plugged out."

10.When asked "Did you watch the eclipse last night?" he responded with: "Was it on Sky

Movies?"

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DEAR JOCKY

SHIG!!'s resident agony uncle, darts superstar Jocky Wilson answers your problems.

Dear Jocky,

I have a tendency to stare at people. This has led me to get biffed a few times. What can I do?

Melvin Manic,

Dewsbury

Dear Melvin,

Well, this is a tricky one. I'd have a few beers, then if anyone biffs you for staring, you'll either give 'em a good biffin' cos you've the beer in you, or at least you won't feel a thing.

Dear Jocky,

You're just a fat Scottish b*****d who can only throw darts and swill beer.

Anon

Dear Anon

Get it right - Fat Scottish RICH b*****d. Can you get paid £1000 per night for chuckin' darts?

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YES FOLKS - BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND:

IT'S

D.I.Y. WITH JOHN ADEY

I can tell from the correspondence received how popular my D.I.Y. tag boxes proved to be.

Did anyone spot that they need to be enlarged using a photocopier with this facility before your tags will fit? well done if you did.

Anyway, with the new teams on Central Benefits, I thought I'd give you a few tips on personalising them to suit your team.

Here's what you can do:

If you work on the Red Team it would be a nice idea to paint it red.

If you work on the Yellow Team, why not paint it yellow?

What about painting your tag box blue if you are on the Blue Team?

Last, but by no means least, a green tag box would go very nicely with the Green Team.

HAVE FUN!

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LIVELY LETTERS

Dear SHIG!!

Who says cats have nine lives? I killed mine first time with my semi-automatic rifle.

Mark Lees

Lye

Dear SHIG!!

Going through customs on my way back from holiday in Spain, I was recently subjected to the most horrific ordeal. During the flight I had suffered considerable discomfort in my bottom due to the fact that there was still sand in my pants.

So when the customs man at Gatwick asked me how I was, I understandably replied "Fine, apart from the crack in my bottom."

Imagine my surprise when he gave me a brutal internal examination.

J. Chalmers

London

Dear SHIG!!

Do you remember when sausages tasted like real sausages?

And tomatoes.

Billy Bugger

Oldbury

Dear SHIG!!

Why not get your own back on these tight arsed Building Societies. Simply stop paying your mortgage and spend the money on beer or whatever you fancy. Then when they come round to repossess your house, simply kill yourself.

Mark Lees

Lye

Dear SHIG!!

I recently went to the doctors with a particularly large and unsightly hairy lump on my penis. Imagine my surprise when he told me it was my body.

S. Millman

Codsall

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SHIG!! SPORTS

Special SHIG!! Euro 96 Preview

As you'll all know, unless you've been on another planet for the past few months, England stages it's biggest sporting event since the 1966 World Cup Finals this month.

SHIG!! will be there to bring you all of the best action from all of the pubs showing the games!

Here are a few predictions of the winners:

Tony McHale : England (Ever the optimist)

Colin Clark :Scotland (?-Ed)

Steve North : England

Dilly Summan : Holland

Paul Davis : Jamaica, oh er, who's in it innit?? Oh, is England innit? Well, Italy then.

Adrian Feeney : Italy

Simon Millman : England

By issue 3 of SHIG!! we'll be able to see who, if anyone, is correct in their predictions.

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Genuine Car Ad

Christiano Ronaldo's unreserved apology to Wayne Rooney

Photo of the year?

Sperm Bank

Fascinating Fact 1

Most alcoholic drinks contain the 13 key minerals required to sustain human life!

Sign at Penrith Railway Station.

Dave Waterfield

Just a mention that if you enjoy this site (and even if you don't), check out my mate Dave Waterfield's own site.
It contains an entertaining mix of news, views and links to music sites, videos etc.
An entertaining site so please check it out on the following link:

http://davidwaterfield.blogspot.com

The best of Issue 1

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EDITORIAL

Greeting earthlings and welcome to the very first issue of a magazine that makes little sense.

In our small but perfectly formed pages you'll find everything you need to head for a nervous breakdown. All of the usual disclaimers apply, but anyone easily offended has probably already read too far!

Our celebrity interview in issue one is a real coup. We have managed to get an interview with none other than Mel Gibson. Yes that's right, Mel Gibson.

We've also regular features such as Colin Clark's record and gig reviews, our own agony uncle, darts celebrity Jocky Wilson in "Dear Jocky", Simply Red's Mick Hucknall with his household tips, Alan Hansen's gardening page plus much much less.

So if you want a magazine that is absolutely shite then this is the one for you.

Tony McHale

Editor

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CELEBRITY INTERVIEW

Each month we will be bringing you an interview with a well known celebrity.

This month it's Mel Gibson, the popular bar person from the Old Bush pub in Wednesbury:

SHIG!!: Hello Mel. Thanks for taking the time out from your busy schedule to give this

interview.

M.G. : Thats's OK, I was sacked yesterday so I've all the time in the world.

SHIG!!: So you're no longer the popular head barman at the Old Bush then?

M.G. : No, I'm on the dole.

SHIG!!: Well f*** off the you loser.

Next month's celebrity interview:

*Keith Chegwin*

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

RIGHT SAID FRED

Those two hunky baldies who were "Too sexy for their shirts" are now in one, being stunt doubles for Pamela Anderson's attributes in her latest movie, Barbed Wire.

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ADVERTISEMENTS

ANDREX: Soft, strong, so your fingers don't go right through it!

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You might fall under a bus tomorrow - Go on, have a fag.

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"Nicole".

"Papa"

"Oh Nicole"

"Ooh Papa"

"NICOLE"

"PAPA!!!!!"

An advertisment for the Incest society.

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Customer and waitress in a restaurant:

Customer: "What's the soup of the day?"

Waitress : "Oasis soup."

Customer: "Why is it called Oasis soup?"

Waitress : " Cos you gotta roll with it"

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COLIN CLARK'S MUSIC PAGE

NEW SINGLES:

Ash - Goldfinger

What's this f***ing racket. God this modern music is shite. Where's me Elvis records.

Lisa Marie Experience - Keep on jumping

F***ing dance cack. Gimme Brendan Shine anyday.

Blur - Charmless Man

More modern shite. I'm off home.

GIG REVIEW

Skunk Anansie - Wolverhampton Civic Hall

I day goo. I ay gooin to see any of this modern stuff.

Clarkie will be back next month with more objective views of the latest sounds.

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DEAR JOCKY

Our celebrity darts throwing agony uncle answers your problems.

Dear Jocky

"I have problems sleeping. I've seen my doctor but the sleeping pills he's given me don't work."

J.T.

Bilston

Dear J.T.

Do what I do, have 24 pints of lager and you'll sleep like a baby.

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Dear Jocky

"I've developed warts on my John Thomas, what can I do?"

B.S.

Tipton

Dear B.S.

drink 24 pints of lager then you won't care about the warts.

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QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Simon "Trigga" Millman on the eclipse:

"If you walk backwards through the gates at White Ladies you get repossessed!"

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HUCK'S HANDY HINTS

With Simply Red's Mick Hucknall

Mick says:

"I'm a very busy person touring with the band, and recording super slick perfect pop/soul albums for the masses, so I need all the time saving devices possible.

Here's a few of my tips for an easier lifestyle".

"Tie a piece of string to everything you own. That way if you lose something all you have to do is follow the string and you'll find it."

"Save on your laundry bills. Tie all your dirty washing to the roof rack the next time you visit the car wash."

"If you are right handed, try sawing wood with your left hand so that if you get a splinter it can be removed more easily using your right hand."

"An elastic band with a dab of toothpaste makes an economical substitute for chewing gum, and is better for your teeth."

"Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there."

More of Mick's tips next month.

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GARDENING

WITH ALAN HANSEN

Hi gardeners. Each month I'll be giving expert analysis on a garden that I just happen to be passing.

Today, it's a garden at the top of our street.

Firstly, look at the position of the two big central conifers. Any wild flowers worth their salt would be straight through the gap. Look at this incident. the honeysuckle was climbing all over the fence but was allowed to carry on. I can't believe what some shrubs are allowed to get away with.

Let's look at the rose bush. I've highlighted this because it's really come into bloom in the midfield, I mean mid garden area. This definitely is one to watch, and would get my vote for the Carling flower of the garden award.

NEXT MONTH: Landscape gardening with Trevor Brooking

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LIVELY LETTERS

Dear Shig!!

A funny thing happened to me the other day. An old woman was running for the bus, tripped over her support stockings, fell under the bus and was killed instantly. Oh how we laughed on the bus for minutes afterwards.

Fred sicko

Darlaston

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Dear Shig!"

Are there any readers out there looking for a pen pal?

I support Preston North End, like The Rubettes and Kenny, am interested in collecting foreign stamps, and look like Arthur Scargill.

Ronnie Nohope

Bilston

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Dear Shig!!

Have any of your readers noticed that sausages don't taste the same as they used to? Nor tomatoes.

Billy Bugger

Oldbury

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DearShig!!

Oh shit, I've forgotten what I was going to write to you about.

Feargal Forgetful

Tipton

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SHIG!! SPORTS

Nobody Likes Us

In an attempt to prove their new family club image, the Millwal fans who rioted at Ipswich on the last day of the season included dads and kids.

"What a nice violent family atmosphere it created." said one.

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Sports Quiz

1. How many goals did Alan Mullery score for England and who was it against?

2. Sunderland did it in 1979, Villa did it in1981, who did it in 1980?

Answers;

1. One, against West Germany in the 1970 World Cup quarter final.

2. Brooking. (score the winning goals in F.A. Cup Finals.)

Welcome to SHIG!!

Welcome to the new SHIG!! magazine site.
SHIG!! magazine started as an idea of mine in 1995 and issue one came out in 1996.
The magazine was only available to Wolverhampton Council employees and was distributed free except for the Christmas 1997 issue which had a 50p per copy charge with all proceeds to charity.
The magazine was started by myself as an outlet for my many humourous ideas. After a few issues I received assistance from one Paul Woolley and the magazine took on a new direction, mainly mickey taking of our workmates.
In the near future I will be posting the best bits of all of the issues from 1995 to 1998 when the magazine ran, and also will be including some new material.
I hope you enjoy the site.
Tony McHale
Editor,
SHIG!!