Genuine Car Ad

Christiano Ronaldo's unreserved apology to Wayne Rooney

Photo of the year?

Sperm Bank

Fascinating Fact 1

Most alcoholic drinks contain the 13 key minerals required to sustain human life!

Sign at Penrith Railway Station.

Dave Waterfield

Just a mention that if you enjoy this site (and even if you don't), check out my mate Dave Waterfield's own site.
It contains an entertaining mix of news, views and links to music sites, videos etc.
An entertaining site so please check it out on the following link:

http://davidwaterfield.blogspot.com

The best of Issue 1

************************************************************************************

EDITORIAL

Greeting earthlings and welcome to the very first issue of a magazine that makes little sense.

In our small but perfectly formed pages you'll find everything you need to head for a nervous breakdown. All of the usual disclaimers apply, but anyone easily offended has probably already read too far!

Our celebrity interview in issue one is a real coup. We have managed to get an interview with none other than Mel Gibson. Yes that's right, Mel Gibson.

We've also regular features such as Colin Clark's record and gig reviews, our own agony uncle, darts celebrity Jocky Wilson in "Dear Jocky", Simply Red's Mick Hucknall with his household tips, Alan Hansen's gardening page plus much much less.

So if you want a magazine that is absolutely shite then this is the one for you.

Tony McHale

Editor

************************************************************************************

CELEBRITY INTERVIEW

Each month we will be bringing you an interview with a well known celebrity.

This month it's Mel Gibson, the popular bar person from the Old Bush pub in Wednesbury:

SHIG!!: Hello Mel. Thanks for taking the time out from your busy schedule to give this

interview.

M.G. : Thats's OK, I was sacked yesterday so I've all the time in the world.

SHIG!!: So you're no longer the popular head barman at the Old Bush then?

M.G. : No, I'm on the dole.

SHIG!!: Well f*** off the you loser.

Next month's celebrity interview:

*Keith Chegwin*

************************************************************************************

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

RIGHT SAID FRED

Those two hunky baldies who were "Too sexy for their shirts" are now in one, being stunt doubles for Pamela Anderson's attributes in her latest movie, Barbed Wire.

************************************************************************************

ADVERTISEMENTS

ANDREX: Soft, strong, so your fingers don't go right through it!

****

You might fall under a bus tomorrow - Go on, have a fag.

****

"Nicole".

"Papa"

"Oh Nicole"

"Ooh Papa"

"NICOLE"

"PAPA!!!!!"

An advertisment for the Incest society.

************************************************************************************

Customer and waitress in a restaurant:

Customer: "What's the soup of the day?"

Waitress : "Oasis soup."

Customer: "Why is it called Oasis soup?"

Waitress : " Cos you gotta roll with it"

************************************************************************************

COLIN CLARK'S MUSIC PAGE

NEW SINGLES:

Ash - Goldfinger

What's this f***ing racket. God this modern music is shite. Where's me Elvis records.

Lisa Marie Experience - Keep on jumping

F***ing dance cack. Gimme Brendan Shine anyday.

Blur - Charmless Man

More modern shite. I'm off home.

GIG REVIEW

Skunk Anansie - Wolverhampton Civic Hall

I day goo. I ay gooin to see any of this modern stuff.

Clarkie will be back next month with more objective views of the latest sounds.

************************************************************************************

DEAR JOCKY

Our celebrity darts throwing agony uncle answers your problems.

Dear Jocky

"I have problems sleeping. I've seen my doctor but the sleeping pills he's given me don't work."

J.T.

Bilston

Dear J.T.

Do what I do, have 24 pints of lager and you'll sleep like a baby.

****

Dear Jocky

"I've developed warts on my John Thomas, what can I do?"

B.S.

Tipton

Dear B.S.

drink 24 pints of lager then you won't care about the warts.

************************************************************************************

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

Simon "Trigga" Millman on the eclipse:

"If you walk backwards through the gates at White Ladies you get repossessed!"

************************************************************************************

HUCK'S HANDY HINTS

With Simply Red's Mick Hucknall

Mick says:

"I'm a very busy person touring with the band, and recording super slick perfect pop/soul albums for the masses, so I need all the time saving devices possible.

Here's a few of my tips for an easier lifestyle".

"Tie a piece of string to everything you own. That way if you lose something all you have to do is follow the string and you'll find it."

"Save on your laundry bills. Tie all your dirty washing to the roof rack the next time you visit the car wash."

"If you are right handed, try sawing wood with your left hand so that if you get a splinter it can be removed more easily using your right hand."

"An elastic band with a dab of toothpaste makes an economical substitute for chewing gum, and is better for your teeth."

"Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there."

More of Mick's tips next month.

***********************************************************************************

GARDENING

WITH ALAN HANSEN

Hi gardeners. Each month I'll be giving expert analysis on a garden that I just happen to be passing.

Today, it's a garden at the top of our street.

Firstly, look at the position of the two big central conifers. Any wild flowers worth their salt would be straight through the gap. Look at this incident. the honeysuckle was climbing all over the fence but was allowed to carry on. I can't believe what some shrubs are allowed to get away with.

Let's look at the rose bush. I've highlighted this because it's really come into bloom in the midfield, I mean mid garden area. This definitely is one to watch, and would get my vote for the Carling flower of the garden award.

NEXT MONTH: Landscape gardening with Trevor Brooking

************************************************************************************

LIVELY LETTERS

Dear Shig!!

A funny thing happened to me the other day. An old woman was running for the bus, tripped over her support stockings, fell under the bus and was killed instantly. Oh how we laughed on the bus for minutes afterwards.

Fred sicko

Darlaston

****

Dear Shig!"

Are there any readers out there looking for a pen pal?

I support Preston North End, like The Rubettes and Kenny, am interested in collecting foreign stamps, and look like Arthur Scargill.

Ronnie Nohope

Bilston

****

Dear Shig!!

Have any of your readers noticed that sausages don't taste the same as they used to? Nor tomatoes.

Billy Bugger

Oldbury

****

DearShig!!

Oh shit, I've forgotten what I was going to write to you about.

Feargal Forgetful

Tipton

************************************************************************************

************************************************************************************

*************************************************************************************

SHIG!! SPORTS

Nobody Likes Us

In an attempt to prove their new family club image, the Millwal fans who rioted at Ipswich on the last day of the season included dads and kids.

"What a nice violent family atmosphere it created." said one.

****

Sports Quiz

1. How many goals did Alan Mullery score for England and who was it against?

2. Sunderland did it in 1979, Villa did it in1981, who did it in 1980?

Answers;

1. One, against West Germany in the 1970 World Cup quarter final.

2. Brooking. (score the winning goals in F.A. Cup Finals.)

Welcome to SHIG!!

Welcome to the new SHIG!! magazine site.
SHIG!! magazine started as an idea of mine in 1995 and issue one came out in 1996.
The magazine was only available to Wolverhampton Council employees and was distributed free except for the Christmas 1997 issue which had a 50p per copy charge with all proceeds to charity.
The magazine was started by myself as an outlet for my many humourous ideas. After a few issues I received assistance from one Paul Woolley and the magazine took on a new direction, mainly mickey taking of our workmates.
In the near future I will be posting the best bits of all of the issues from 1995 to 1998 when the magazine ran, and also will be including some new material.
I hope you enjoy the site.
Tony McHale
Editor,
SHIG!!