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SHIG!! ISSUE 3 - JULY 1996
Welcome to issue 3 of SHIG!!, Housing Benefit's alternative magazine. In our small but perfectly formed pages you'll find no references to circulars, manuals, claim refs, triggers (apart from Simon), benefit regs, or any of that boring stuff found in other benefit mags. (Oh, I've just realised I was reading a systems update, not Ben Bitz. Oh well, we all make mistakes.)Due to England not winning Euro'96, I've had to find other subjects to fill this month's issue with. Those of you who still want more on Euro '96 turn to SHIG!! Sports on the back page.
Judging by the feedback I've had from issues 1 and 2, it appears that SHIG!! is proving to be a success. Thank you for all your kind words, and I hope you enjoy issue 3 just as much.
Tony McHale
Editor
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CLARKIE'S MUSIC PAGE
Colin Clark reviews the latest releases
Singles:
Fugees - Killing Me Softly
No, just killing me. Why do they have to stick dance beats on these old songs? It used to be slow and boring, now it's mid-tempo and boring. Bad enough to be number one.
Ocean Colour Scene - The Day We Caught The Train
Tony likes this so it mut be crap.
Brendan Bogshite - Irish Folky Jig Jig
Single of the week. Great record. I wish all music was like this. (Except Elvis).
Alison Limerick - Where Love Lives '96 remixes
Rubbish. Why do they make dance records? I dow dance.
Albums:
Manic Street Preachers - Everything Must Go
Tony says this is the best album of 1996 so far. That says it all. He's never had any taste.
Crowded House - the Best Of
God nows what the worst of is like then! They sound like The Beatles and I hated them as well.
Terrorvision - Regular Urban Survivors
Rock garbage. Why can't we get a deal with a record shop to supply, instead of having to listen to CD's from Tony's dodgy collection?
More from Clarkie next month
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TOP TEN QUOTES
This Month : Simon Millman
1. "If you walk through the gates at White Ladies backwards you get repossessed."
2. "He's got the brain of a 14 month year old."
3. "Is half a dozen six?"
4. "I want to speak to the organ master, not the grinder."
5. "Like the bitter, I'm not mild."
6. "Is the pope Jewish?"
7. On Clarkie's sexuality: "Colin's coming out of the cupboard."
8. To John Adey: "John, are you still here?"
9. Looking for a file for ** Amos Lane, "Have you got **A Moss Lane?"
10.On Dilly's car: " What make was it, an Escort Cavalier?"
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HUCK'S HANDY HINTS
With Simply Red's Mick Hucknall
Mick says:
"I'm a very busy person, touring and recording with the band, so that you can hear my super slick perfect pop/soul for the masses, so I need all the time saving devices possible.
Here's a few of my hints for an easier lifestyle."
"Fumes from a burning sofa can be lethal, so before sitting down always look around and plan your escape route in case of fire."
"Make polystyrene life belts for your plant pots and float them in the bath when you go on holiday."
"Turn your green house into a garden shed by boarding up the glass windows with wooden planks."
"Save electricity - Turn all your lights out and walk around the house at night using a miner's hat."
"Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers by will think you have broken down and help."
"Old unwanted telephone directories make ideal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you don't know."
MORE FROM MICK SOON!
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DEAR JOCKY
Our resident agony darts player answers your problems.
Dear Jocky
I've never had a problem attracting women, but as soon as I go out with them they seem to lose interest, just because I try to stick my tongue in their mouth as soon as we meet on the date.
Where am I going wrong?
S.M.
Wolverhampton
Dear S.M.
You need to be more relaxed, and not try to move things so quickly. Have a few pints before you meet her, then you won't care if the girl blows you out or not. Alternatively, spike her drinks so she'll probably use tongues first.
Dear Jocky,
What would you describe as the best stance for throwing darts?
E.B.
Stoke
Dear E.B.
Facing the board.
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EXCUSIVE SHIG!! T-SHIRT OFFER
To obtain your SHIG!! T-shirt, take a plain T-shirt, and using a permanent marker pen write the word SHIG!! across it.
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THE THOUGHTS OF CHAIRMAN BILL
Well no sooner was the football season over than we've got the European Championships, Test Cricket, Bloody Tennis, and next it's the Olympics.
Tennis, bloody tennis I ask you. Women who moan about sport all year long spend two weeks glued to the bloody telly watching tennis. What's up with them? Don't they think tennis is a sport or something?
All winter it's "can you turn the football off 'cos Coronation Street is starting." and now all of a sudden Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays they're watching tennis until quarter to eight and saying "ooh I forgot about the Street I was so engrossed in this match."
Well at least Agassi went out in the first round. I thought that'll stop her watching it. So what happens? Tim bloody Henman, that's what. Whenever a British player does well, they get excited. He could look like Quasimodo and they'd still love him. Next year it will be "What was that British blokes name who did well last year?"
Bloody Tennis!
Regards
Bill
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CELEBRITY INTERVIEW
THIS MONTH - JOHN CRAVEN
SHIG!! - Thanks for talking to us, John.
John Craven - It's a pleasure
S - How long have you been in television now?
JC - Ooh, it must be about 30 years or more now.
S - That's amazing, you still look exactly the same as when you did Newsround
when I was a kid.What do you put that down to?
JC - I don't know. I suppose I've just been lucky. I've looked after myself. No alcohol,
I don't smoke. Working in television is hard work and stressful, so you have to
keep fit.
S - And do you still wear those tank tops?
JC - I thought you'd bring that up. I don't wear those tank tops nowadays. You must remember that they were quite fashionable in the 70's.
S - But I remember you wearing them on Newsround in the 80's.
JC - Oh do you? I can't remember wearing them then. Oh well, maybe I wore them once or
twice in the 80's.
S - Have you anything in the pipeline at the moment?
JC - I've a new children's TV series coming up on the BBC in the autumn based around major
news stories that may be of interest to children.
S - A bit like Newsround then?
JC - No, not really. I'll be looking more deeply into the news, interviewing the people making the
news.
S - Sort of like a kiddie's Newsnight then?
JC - Yes, I suppose so, but it will have it's own individuality.
S - And will you be wearing any of your old tank tops in the series?
JC - Oh p*** off will you.
At this point John terminated the interview and left.
Next month's celebrity interview, pending the relevant insurance being taken out, will be:
*VINNY JONES*
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LIVELY LETTERS
Dear SHIG!!
There's nothing more annoying than copycat neighbours. I recently painted my front door blue. Imagine my anger when a neighbour six doors down did the same. He also has red curtains, almost the same as ours. So my wife and I decided to teach him a lesson. Last night we painted over all our windows using black industrial weather resistant paint. Just wait till our copycat neighbour does the same. He'll soon discover that the paint is almost impossible to remove.
Sydney Sadsod
Walsall
Dear SHIG!!
Whilst watching an hilarious situation comedy on TV, my wife with tears of laughter in her eyes mistakenly poured out two glasses of Paraquat instead of the wine. Luckily we both saw the fungicide.
Barry Barnpop
Bilston
Dear SHIG!!
I am 93 and can still remember when butter was tuppence a pound. And it tasted like proper butter as well.
Billy Bugger
Oldbury
Dear SHIG!!
Last week my wife went shopping with a list written on the back of a bus ticket. She returned later, struggling somewhat, carrying a number 559 bus. She had read the wrong side of the ticket.
Archie Armpit
Willenhall
Dear SHIG!!
On Saturday nights it seems I just can't drink enough beer, because every Sunday morning I'm still thirsty.
Colin Clark
The Scotlands
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SHIG!! SPORTS
EURO '96 REPORT
Well them bloody Germans did it again. I should really give them credit but I'm not going to! Instead, Euro '96 will be remembered for Gazza's goal against Scotland, England's performance against Holland, Seaman's penalty save against Spain, the fact that we outplayed Germany in the Semi Final, and of course Skinner, Baddiel and the Lightning Seeds.
Our SHIG!! Europanel in issue 2 all got it wrong anyway, with no-one tipping Germany. Myself, Northie and Trigger did best, tipping England. Dilly got to the quarter finals with Holland, but as for Paul and Adrian (Italy) and Clarkie (Scotland) well, the less said the better.
All in all then an enjoyable and successful tounament, which for once left the nation proud to be English.
Well done lads. Although you didn't win it you were the best team in it. Here's to the World Cup. (First qualifying game 1st September in Moldova.)
Footnote:
At the time of writing we're just entering the second week of Wimbledon and a British player (Tim Henman) is still in it. What's going on?
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